she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
