How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
