I met the friendliest cop last night
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
