i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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