someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
