1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
