My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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