Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
