I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
