OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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