I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
