Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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