i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
