There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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