call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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