Tell her she can't have a vagina
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
