she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
