You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
