Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
