I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
