loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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