but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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