You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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