too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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