Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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