he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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