you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
