in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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