3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
