I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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