You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My liver just broke up with me...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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