Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
