I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
