Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
