I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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