I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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