Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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