3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
