I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
