Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
