I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
