I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
