You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
