I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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