I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
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smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
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I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo