i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?