it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number