i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!