hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am