I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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