you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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