Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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