Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
