My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
