There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
