hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
