No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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