I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
