the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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