oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
