Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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