I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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