why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
zippers are such a cool invention
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
