Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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