i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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